You womenz be crazy

I can’t believe all the crap you women buy. It’s unbelievable.

Girl Ninja and I took a trip back up to Seattle a few weeks ago and we decided to only do carry-ons for the short weekend getaway. Well, that apparently ended up being a problem because GN needed to buy travel size products since all of her shampoos and whatnots are over the 3oz regulation size.

Look, I have no problem with GN wanting to be sanitized, beautified, and lotionized, but after the fourth or fifth product it started getting a little ridiculous. I mean, homegirl picked up some travel shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, body lotion, and face lotion. Are you kidding me? Really? Is all that necessary?

Maybe it’s a guy thing, but when it comes to cleanliness I only need one product. Shampoo. Who needs body wash, or face wash, or lotion, or conditioner when you have a bottle of Old Spice? I just rub the shampoo around my head until it gets soapy and then proceed to use that soap to clean the rest of my body. Heck I even use it to shave. Works like a charm, and by my precise calculations saves me A CRAPLOAD of money.

I’m serious ladiez, you need to get your shopping game under control. I’m convinced IKEA would go out of business tomorrow if the female population went extinct. As GN and I discuss our future home furnishings, there are a few things we agree on. We need a bed, a couch, and a TV. That’s where I draw the line. I don’t need 98 different glass vases (filled with seashells) sitting on the bathroom counter. Nor do I have any desire to paint my walls with an accent color. And don’t even get me started on decorative pillows. I mean do we really need to buy pillows that we aren’t actually allowed to use? “What do you mean I have to take them off the bed and put them in a trunk before I can go to sleep, only to wake up and have to put them back on the bed again?” Ahhhhh!

And to close this Friday’s tongue-in-cheek rant, I’d like to bring to light the biggest difference between a man and a woman. Shopping with a purpose. Let’s say John wants to buy a new shirt for work. His wife Tara, also needs a new dress shirt. They both have the same objective, but their process to completing the goal is usually very different. Before John even gets in his car to go to the mall, he already has an idea of what color and style of shirt he wants as well as what store he’d prefer to buy it from. John walks in to Banana Republic and five minutes later comes out victorious. He got his shirt.

Tara on the other hand, drives to the mall with three of her best friends. During the drive Tara forgets that she went to the mall for a purpose… to buy a dress shirt. Instead, she thinks she is taking a “girls day” and after three hours of shopping, two new pairs of shoes, a salad from Cheesecake Factory, a new toaster oven from crate and barrel, and a tall non-fat vanilla latte from Starbucks, Tara heads home. Later that night, she shows John what she got at the mall. It’s not until this point that she remembers the reason she went shopping in the first place. “Oh well” she thinks, “I’ll just go back tomorrow.”

You women are a piece of work.

So men help me out. What crazy quirks of the female species have I overlooked? I would love to hear from some of you married dudes.

And femALIENS, this is your chance to get even. What are some things us men do that irk you? I’m guessing leaving the toilet seat up is pretty high on the list. Bring it on!!!!!

Let it be known, I don’t actually harvest any bitter feelings towards women, but I can’t help to OVER-DRAMATIZE the difference between man and woman. It’s Friday, so I figured I’d stir a little debate for the weekend.

34 thoughts on “You womenz be crazy”

  1. Haha this is why shopping in coed groups gets…interesting. I applaud GN’s restraint in toiletry buying, though. She bought the bare essentials, if that. Way to go for roughing it for a weekend!

  2. Ok, but you men just wait until you can make an expensive purchase, like a flippin’ boat or a 24 piece conga drum set! So yeah, I’m gonna buy me some shirts, shoes, and pants until my heart sings in joy because every four years or so, my mate is gonna spend triple what I spent on “mindless shopping.” I don’t want a boat! I want to look beautimus!

  3. Hahahah a couple of days without all of those products and you’d be buying them FOR her… you don’t realize what it takes to keep us looking, smelling and feeling the way we do. Part of what makes women so wonderfully delicious to men is that we’re soft and smell good! hahahah… you just don’t even know.

    As far as buying other stuff, yeah, most women could probably rein in a little. I don’t do the shopping for entertainment thing and when I do go shopping, I don’t get all of the extras like lattes and pretzels. That’s just wasteful.

  4. Well, if we were only as clean as men, then the world wouldn’t be as nice a place! 🙂

    Here are my man rants:
    1. They are incapable of discussion if there is a tv on. Or there is a shiny object nearby, or really just about anything else their attention could wander to.

    2. They could walk through a kitchen full of dishes and think nothing of it. Sure you guys might do the work if we ask you to, but you often times don’t think to do it on your own. (I know there are exceptions to this rule.)

    3. Men love to fix problems. I think it is very difficult for men to just listen. They have to give sometimes unsolicited advice that will cure everything and just move on. Meanwhile, us chicks may want to keep talking and wallowing!

    I will come back when I think up more! 🙂

  5. Just one word for you Ninja – electronics! What we spend in shopping trips over a year, you guys spend one day on a big screen TV!!

    • That’s exactly what I was going to say. You want to talk about a waste of money? Hey, guys, raise your hand if you’ve thought about getting the iPhone 4, even if your 3GS still works perfectly!

      • OMG, my husband actually said “I put my foot down” when we were buying our tv…42″ wasn’t big enough, he wanted a 47″. I let him have his way and the ginormous tv and shelled out the extra $400 3 years ago. At least we haven’t upgraded since then…

  6. Married dude here – and loving it, but is has been only 7 years! I don’t think going to the mall is one of the things most couples should do very often. It is better if she goes with her friends. They all like to go there and do what they need to do. He doesn’t ever have to go because she brings back stuff for him anyway. She knows better than he does when he needs a shirt, pants, tie, etc. – Write another post about the crazy stuff we guys do, like NOT going to the mall (how crazy is that to women?), dreaming about that sports car (what’s the equivalent of a sports car to trips to the mall?), or getting premium cable to watch sporting events for hours. We may all come out even in the end, right?

  7. I normally try to take up for the ladies, but this post is spot on!

    First, I would defend some of the purchases GN made. We do need lotions (Do you want GN to get wrinkly?), but normally, your hotel will have shampoo/soap. So I don’t bring those with me anymore unless I already have some at home.

    I was kind of SHOCKED when Mr. Red and I went clothes shopping together for the first time. He was going for “more work clothes” after a change in their office dress code. So I timed him from the moment we walked in to the moment we bought his stuff. Even with the time it took to try on everything, we were out of the store in exactly 23 minutes. It takes me longer than 23 minutes just to try on everything I consider buying in a store! You all are mad efficient when it comes to shopping.

    Men… Should I even get started? Leaving the toilet seat up is the least of our worries! 😉 Actually, I got lucky with Mr. Red. He’s very clean and doesn’t do any of the disgusting things my little brothers do. (I pity the women they marry!)

    • Inventoried my daily routine – WOW it’s a lot! I counted 12 items we NEED:
      – shampoo
      – conditioner
      – body wash
      – facial cleanser
      – hair product (gel/hairspray/leave-in conditioner)
      – body lotion
      – face lotion (don’t complain men, it has sunscreen which you’ll appreciate later)
      – deoderant
      – powder so we smell like roses while sweating
      – perfume or body spray
      – nail polish in case it chips
      – makeup: foundation, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow (day & evening), lip gloss

  8. Since I am a man that has been married close to ten years I will give you some advice. Remember that when your wife decorates the home she does not want your opinion even if she asks. She just wants you to confirm that she made a good decision. My other advice is to worry more when your wife/girlfriend stops using all that lotion and stuff. Just remember if she is happy so are you.

    • Ninja, print Jt’s comment out, tape it to your computer and read it daily. It will do you wonders in your marriage.

  9. Omgoodness thats all she brought? sunscreen hand sanitizer…I usally bring a carryon, small tote and my purse on board with small tote carries all the things I couldn’t fit the carry-on.

    as for men…I have 5 brothers who dress very well sometimes I think should have been women. they take longer than me to get in and out of the bathroom and they spend a lot of time grooming themselve. granted I have been known tobe in a salon for 3hrs or more getting prepped and thats only my hair!

  10. Ninja,

    The random sh!t all over my house is NUTS. Where did The Wife get a sign that says love in 36inch letters? I HAVE NO IDEA. What did she pay? NO CLUE. I just had this discuss with The Wife a couple days ago.

    I looked around the house, and minus my bad ass fishtank and my tv/surround sound, nothing in that house is mine lol

    • She probably got that sign at Home Goods! I know I’ve seen those big-lettered words somewhere…

      We’re the ones who make your house a home, a nice place to return to after a hard day at work. And most of the time, we’re ALSO having a hard day at work. So I wouldn’t complain much — it’s retail therapy, rather than beer/sports/electronics therapy!

      Just for the record, my husband also hates the ‘decorative’ pillows on the bed, but we just toss them on the floor for the night. Now I’ve got the idea of a ‘pillow trunk’ in my head, ha.

  11. dude, want to know what GN would smell like without all those lotions and potions? she’d smell like A GUY. Boys are smelly. Find a boy. Smell him. EWWWW. Repeat. Think of GN, go to the mall and pick her up a gift card to Sephora. It won’t die like those depressing worthless flowers 🙂

  12. This is similar NO MA’AM! (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood)

    “It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They’d look after the kids and we go out and have a good time. That’s the natural order of things.”

    For more (including the logo), see Al Bundy’s NO MA’AM club:

  13. Ninja not all women are like this. I am a minority: I shop like a man… I hate shopping. So do my two best girl friends. Yes, we’re weird, but we can look nice without spending our whole life/paycheck in the store! Ugh. Oh well. I’ll be proudly in the minority.
    I do agree with girl ninja on the shampoo and conditioner. Need both or hair gets tangled/frizzy. Need some face cream and body cream: you wouldn’t like to touch girl ninja’s face/hands if they were dry like sandpaper??? Be glad she takes care of herself and isn’t letting herself go!

  14. Oh yeah guys… why does a TV need to get bigger every year??? WHO NEEDS A 72″ TV???? NO ONE! And you’re griping about lotions and potions 🙂

  15. Some of the clothes shopping thing may have to do with sizing – I’ve always been jealous of how most men’s clothes are sized. All you have to know is your sleeve length and neck size, and you have a shirt – because that’s how they’re sold. For pants, inseam and waist. For women, sizes vary TREMENDOUSLY from brand to brand, so YES – I do have to try on 3 sizes of the exact same pair of pants to know which ones will fit me. Not my fault!

  16. I disagree – every guy NEEDs a 72″ TV.

    Ninja, I feel your pain on the whole toiletries thing – shampoo is all a guy needs – I agree. Any more than that is overkill – and only to be used on a date night. On the other hand, as some commenters point out – they do smell better than us, and i’d be worried if it stopped. 🙂 They get a pass on this one.

    As far as the pillows – get used to it – they’re there to stay. They make a wife feel secure or something. I’ve never understood the decorative pillows in our bedroom on the bed cause NOBODY ever comes in that room but us, but still – 8 years later in marriage we still place those 35 pillows on the bed every morning after the bed is made. *sigh. Can’t tell you how many times i’ve tripped over those dang pillows laying around everywhere.

  17. I’ve got one for you. Why are men so crazy to think they need every tool that Home Depot has in stock when all you really know how to use is a screw driver? Something stuck? “Get the screw driver.” Need to hammer a nail? “Honey, where that screwdriver with the metal handle.”

    Meanwhile there’s a whole bag of tools that I keep bumping into in the middle of the night nearly ripping off a toe in the process what you will NEVER use.

  18. Okay, I’m frugal and lazy, which means that I hate shopping. This also means that my “necessities” for travel (other than clothes) is a brush, foundation, chapstick, and sunscreen. If the weather wherever we are going is dry, I use the hotel’s lotion. I’m from Houston…even when it’s hot, it’s almost never dry.

    My husband and I both get one small, rolly carry-on for week long trips and that’s it. It makes for really easy travel and we never pay baggage fees. Sometimes I have to use some of my space for his electronic crap. Don’t get me started on all the crap my husband buys…

    1. Magic: The Gathering cards – We have more than 75,000 MtG cards in our office! Do you know how much space that takes up?! A freakin’ lot…

    2. New “gaming” computer every 2-3 years. He builds them himself so it’s “only” $800-$1200 instead of $3000-$4000, but give me a dang break!

    3. As mentioned above, a 47″ tv when our old one finally died…why a 42″ wasn’t good enough, I will never know.

    4. Board Games – We have somewhere between 40-60 Euro games and classics…we play about 10 of them regularly…

    5. Video and Computer Games – I don’t want to count up how much all his video game systems and games and computer games cost altogether…and he isn’t by far the worst I’ve ever met…

    6. When he does go shopping for clothing (which is thankfully only when he needs something), it always costs more than the clothes I buy…the man has never even tried entering a thrift store.

    7. Fast food. When in doubt, out he goes. We have a completely full pantry and freezer but Jack in the Box is like crack to him…

    There’s a lot more, but that’s just the really annoying bits…

    • Cosign on fast food. All these nasty heart clogging burgers would never exist without some guy who didn’t learn how to cook. Who else would eat a sandwich that was made of two chicken breasts, cheese, and bacon with no bun? Or a triple, mega, ultra, bacon cheeseburger?

    • OMG..sounds just like my husband. Magic, gaming, comic books, hardcover books, world of warcraft and associated fees, alienware. When our TV died, it was football season. I was hoping to go without TV for a while just to see what it was like. That lasted all of 1 day. Ditto on the thrift store. He also refuses to shop at one of the cheaper grocery stores because it’s too Ghetto for him. “It’s worth an extra $5-$10 to me to not have to shop there.”

      Men definitely spend more on what I’d call home entertainment expenses and/or electronics in general. Then again, I spend a small fortune coloring my hair, so I guess it’s all relative.

      Luckily, we’re frugal in a lot of common ways, so we get to have our little indulgences guilt free.

  19. Decorative pillows??? That has got to be a white woman thing!!!! Too too funny! And don’t forget bizarre!
    Yes I am woman and that is just alien to me. Now conditioner… Conditioner I need my friends or I’d look like a cavewoman!

  20. I’m not dating anyone currently, but I have a confession to make it comes to women:

    I love that women always have a purse to carry all their crap, I mean stuff.

    I have a friend I hang out with often and she almost always has a tide to go pen on her. Awesome because I get food on my shirt all the time.

    Also great when a group of us go out to the movies – we have a place to sneak candy in.

  21. Why didn’t she stop in at Wal(ugh)Mart or the dollar store and pick up a few sets of those empty travel containers and fill them using her own stuff? They can be reused the next time you travel.

    • That’s what I do. It works out better for me because I would rather use the brand of shampoo etc. I like an way, there isn’t always a big selection of the travel size stuff.

  22. I always found purchasing all of those insane levels of containers to be a little bit redundant, when you can just stick to a few brands. I suppose I can understand the clothing aspect, but body products? Gah.

    It’s funny in a way. Some of my current love interests at the time don’t have that mad level of need for girly products. Femininity is one thing, a spending vice is another, I guess.

  23. girls will definitely go shopping, just to go shopping. they 100% don’t just go to pick up one item they go to pick out an entire outfit and will go to at least 7 stores.

    every time i go shopping with a female, within 30 minutes i need to find a bench.

    shopping wears me out

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