Things I want to punch in the face: Smelly people

I’m sorry y’all but I need to take a minute today and rant about one of my least favorite things…smelly people. I’d like to think I have a pretty high gag reflex. I can eat gross foods. Watch live surgeries. Heck, I’ve even put a dead guy in a body bag. But the one thing I can not tolerate is people who emit wretched odors. There are three types of people that particularly drive me crazy…

The caveman:

You know this person. Their hair is usually a little greasy. Their teeth a little yellow. And their armpits a little sweaty. You don’t know for sure, but if you had to guess, you’d bet they haven’t seen the inside of a bathroom in a good 6 months. Maybe it’s a coworker, friend, or family member. You dread having to talk to them because you will have to pretend like their smell doesn’t want to make you projectile vomit all over them. For Christmas you give them a Starbucks card, but really you wanted to give them a toothbrush, a bar of soap, and a power washer.

If you aren’t showering, brushing your teeth, deodorizing your pits, etc on a daily basis, please do us all a favor and NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!

The hippie:

Since when has it been socially acceptable to walk around shoeless? Unless you are homeless, it’s probably okay to expect you wear some freakin’ shoes at work, on an airplane, in a nightclub, or while you are walking down the street. We’re not living in the 1960’s anymore, shoes are the standard now! I get it. Being shoeless is  “comfortable”. Maybe that’s true for you, but for the rest of us it’s a freakin’ nightmare. We don’t want to smell your feet.

The Overcompensator:

This might be the worse offender of them all. No this person doesn’t emit crazy body odor. Their mouth doesn’t wreak of garlic and onion. They even have shoes on their feet. I gotta break this category down by gender to better explain…

Women: Please be aware of everything you put on your body. If you wash your hair with cucumber and green tea body soap, lotion up with vanilla bean shea butter, and spray 98 pumps of Chanel perfume on your neck and wrists, please avoid coming within 200 feet of me. That is unless you catch me on a day I’m wearing my Hazardous Material full body suit. I understand you want to smell good, but all you are doing is giving me a headache. Tone it down.

Men: Axe body spray is not a shower replacement. Contrary to popular belief, you will not be able to avoid bathing yourself for an entire week, throw on a bit of Axe, and expect the ladies to throw themselves at you like they do in the commercials. This is the  real world buddy. The only thing worse than the smell of Axe, is the smell of Axe on a smelly frat boy. Vomit!

Please, for the love of all that is holy, forward this public service announcement to any coworker, family, or friend that might need to read it. It’s time, those of us with reasonable hygiene, take a stand against the forces of evil and demand a hygienic reformation! If you smell like a combination of hot garbage, death, and Cheetos please do us all a favor and take a shower! Together, we can change the world, one smelly person at a time.

17 thoughts on “Things I want to punch in the face: Smelly people”

  1. OMG… HILARIOUS!!! LOL!! I work with an Overcompensator; she’s been wearing her favourite fragarance for years, and must now be immune to it’s scent because she layers it on so thick. You never have to ask if she’s in the building… believe me, you’ll smell her long before you’ll see her!

  2. I used to sit next to an Indian fellow who had notorious body odor but nobody said anything. Then I got a new cube neighbor and on his first day, he stands up and yells, “Man, something smells HORRIBLE! Do you smell that Kevin? I’m bringing some air freshener tomorrow, this is disgusting!”

    I felt kinda bad for the smelly guy. Oh, and he continued to smell even after that debacle.

  3. I also work with an overcompensator as well, but she is also kind of touchy. One day she put her hand on mine while she was talking to me (I’m not really sure why, it actually made me kind of uncomfortable), and my hand smelled like her for the rest of the day, no matter how much I washed it!

  4. I’m shocked that there are still so many overcompensators. Everywhere I go seems to have a scent-free policy these days. I got heck from somone because my deodorant was scented (not even a strong scent-I think it was called “Fresh” or something. I eschew the strong smelling ones-not a fan). Where does one buy deodorant that smells like nothing? I proposed that it was preferable to have scented deodorant than BO. I understand that some people are quite chemically sensitive, but what’s a girl with good hygiene supposed to do?

    • The office I work in *supposedly* has a scent-free policy, but it is very poorly enforced. I should know, as I’ve had to leave the office multiple times, due to allergic reactions like coughing, wheezing and migraine headaches.

      I don’t have issues with people wearing scented deodorant. It’s the marinating in heavy fragrance that lingers for hours that causes a problem for me. Ugh.

  5. I want to punch dirty hippies in the face, but even more than them…the dirty hippies that layer on patchouli oil to cover up their BO. Vomit-inducing indeed!

  6. What really bugs me about it, is that usually these people are men who have full access to a shower. GET IN IT, it’ll take 5 minutes of your life. For me, showering & washing my hair completely is like a 45 min process, but I still manage to do it, so for someone to be unable to take *5 minutes* and clean up, is just inexcusable!

  7. There are two kinds that I find offensive. Women who wear too much perfume. The other in general is bad body odor and/or bad breath. These are offensive if I have to be in close proximity such as in an elevator.

  8. The stinky office guy who don’t believe in shower…. One guy at the office has 10 feet of nasty stankness bubble around him and leave a huge trail everywhere he goes. The microwave room, restroom, etc.. When I see this guy, I rush to walk in front of him so I don’t have to walk behind him. Jeez, take a frigging shower before coming to work.

  9. To me there is nothing worse than a man or a woman whose cologne/perfume you can smell from 200 feet away or for 2 hours after they leave the room! They don’t smell like anything natural (like roses for example) no matter what the bottles say. They smell fake, chemical and disgusting. Don’t their noses work? Are they so clueless as to think those of us who must associate with them like having our noses assaulted with jackhammers?

    To me that’s even more offensive than BO. BO is still offensive but people who smell like they’ve dumped a bucket of smelly chemicals over their heads are more offensive.

  10. Can we include in the over compensation group the stores that pump out HEAVY cologne into the mall? I’m not overly sensitive to smells but I gag every time I have to walk by an Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister! How does anyone shop there??

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