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Pickin’ up the tab

I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post a while back titled “Wife = Asset or Liability.” I asked the question as bachelor Ninja, but now that I’ve been married just shy of a month, I’m pretty much an expert on the topic (haha, yeah right). So, to answer my own question, “Is Wife Ninja an asset or a liability” I’ve come up with a few areas of my life where she has added (or subtracted) value…

Stuff (liability):

I can not process the amount of stuff Wife Ninja has. The number of purses, shoes, candles (lots and lots of candles), picture frames, etc she brought in to this marriage are staggering. Her clothes alone have exploded, out of her closet and in to baskets under the bed, baskets in the linen closet, and of course in to my closet space. I always heard women come with a lot of baggage, but I didn’t  know it literally meant women come with A LOT OF BAGGAGE!!!!

Food (Asset):

Seriously one of my favorite things about living with a girl is my meals. When I was living alone I typically ate, spaghetti, PB&J, and chicken. Since Wife Ninja is all in to being healthy and stuff, we make sure to whip up some well rounded meals. We have a salad with dinner just about every night as well as one or two other sides. She is the primary grocery shopper and meal planner, but when it comes to the preparation we make sure to implement some teamwork. Cooking with her has been some of my favorite times together.

Insurance (Liability):

Wife Ninja is a substitute teacher (but we are keeping our fingers crossed for a teaching contract) which means she gets absolutely NO benefits. Since she is under 25, she was able to stay on her parents plan. That is until we got married. The torch has been passed and she is now on my insurance policies. Across health, dental, and car I think the insurance expenses have increased about $250/month. Which means my take home pay is smaller. Not super excited about that.

Dual Income (Asset):

Today is the first day of the school year and Wife Ninja is already at a school subbing. We are hoping, of the 20+ school days in a month, she will get called to work at least 15 of them (So keep your fingers crossed a lot of teacher get sick, just kidding). If she could work at least 15 days she’d bring in about $1,500 to $2,000 each month, which I would then use to buy ridiculous man toys like a jet ski or a tiger.

Hair/Bobby Pins (LIABILITY!!!):

You have got to be kidding me women. I mean I can’t believe all the random places your hair and your bobby pins end up. No joke, somehow a hair from Wife Ninja managed to embed itself in my belly button. When I discovered it, I almost threw up. I don’t know how she isn’t bald, because I find globs of her hair in the most random places all the time.

And why is it, she can’t seem to keep bobby pins in her hair? I’ve found them on the floor, in the shower, on the couch, and even in the refrigerator. IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!! I’ve decided I’m going to start collecting these stray bobby pins, and then at the end of the month, I will sell them back to her.

Great Smells (Asset):

Alright, I have to give credit when credit is due, and Wife Ninja always smells phenomenal. Even when we return from a 4 mile run (where I smell like hot garbage and death), she still manages to smell of roses and angel food cake. While this wonderful smell comes with a price, the cost of the various lotions, cremes, and products, it is well worth it in my opinion. I seriously am addicted to her perfume, in fact, I think I’m going to go take a hit of it right now 🙂

So, without all the scientific mumbo jumbo, I think I’ve pretty much proven that Wife Ninja is both as asset and a liability to my life. I, however, am probably just a straight liability. I’d love to hear what “assets/liabilities” your significant other brings to the relationship.

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  1. I’ve been living with my other half, Tom for a year and a half now, and he too comes with assets and liabilities. Here are the biggest ones in each category.

    Liabilities – Feet. Mens feet smell, it’s a simple fact of life and is probably related to their not having enough shoes. However, I don’t really notice it any more, especially in summer when all the windows are permanently open!

    Assets – Tea on tap. Whether I’m feeling grouchy, groggy or just plain lazy, he will bring me a lovely hot cuppa. In fact, he’s got so used to me now, that I just have to look at him a little bit hopefully, he will nip off to the kitchen and a few minutes later reappear with a fresh brew. Fantastic!

    I don’t know what he would say about my assets (wayhey!) but for liabilties, I’m sure he would agree with you about the hair thing!

  2. Assets – My husband can fix anything, he makes a good salary, he’s great with the kids, he makes us laugh daily, he saves a good chunk of his salary, and he pitches in on all chores.

    Liabilities – man-stink (although on the spectrum of man stink, he’s not bad at all), he collects stuff as a hobby, his job requires travel (this is also my liability which makes our schedules pretty nutty at times).

  3. Yo, Ninja! I don’t know if this is something you want to think about, but next month your wife could go back on her parents plan. In October, the provision of “Obamacare” that says anyone 26 and under, regardless of marital status, can be on their parents’ plan goes into effect. I’ll be going back since I’m 23, and Mom has already said her insurance costs didn’t decrease when I left her plan. (She still has two other kids on her plan.) It would cost an extra $100 for me to go on my husband’s plan, so we’re cool with me going back. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  4. Assets: Husband is sole breadwinner, big asset there. (Whereas me and the kids are a HUGE liability). Willing to do laundry and dishes. Really will tackle most projects assigned to him.

    Liability: Has to be told what to do. Won’t notice stacks of miscellaneous stuff sitting on the coffee table on his own. Not super handy around the house, but does try. Clueless when it comes to cars or anything mechanical, or cooking.

    Overall, definitely an asset.

  5. Too funny about the hair & bobby pins – I have to admit I am guilty of that.

    My husband is a musician, musicians need a lot of stuff – reeds, CD’s, instruments, music books, stands, cords, you name it. I would call that stuff a liability, but I have mastered my feminine wiles after 7 years of marriage and convinced him to sell some of that stuff – so, asset for me. Score!

  6. Hubby as Asset – More money! Free hugs! Green thumb (as opposed to my evil thumb of garden death). Irons better.

    Liability – Teacher writing lesson plans & grading = our entire 2BR condo is his office. National Georgraphics coming out the wazzoo. Also forgets to close doors – cabinet doors, closet doors. The only reason the dishwasher gets shut is that you can’t exit the kitchen.

    • haha, i don’t know why but the last sentence makes me laugh cause the only reason I (a young man) remember to shut the dishwasher is because it blocks the FRIDGE…must have been a female architect right?

  7. Assets: good income, handy with cars/home repairs, kills bugs without me even asking (most of the time), great hugger and kisser (you’re all barfing right now, I know…), excellent at bartering for stuff we can’t afford to buy, encourages me to have more fun with friends

    Liabilities: passion for expensive hobbies (scuba, off-roading), horrid to wake up in the morning, forgetful, disorganized, physically unable to put clothes away

    Overall, an asset for sure. He didn’t do so bad either…I make more money than he does and that helps him with his expensive hobbies 😉

  8. Funny…I get the same beef from my hubby about my hair. Now it even sticks to our boys! We make a game of it…when he finds my hair on him, he brings it back and lays it across my head. That way he thinks I’ll never be balled! LOL

    Assets: hubby is excellent with the kids (even potty trained our boys), very attentive to me and my moods, plans great events, #1 chef in the world, good cleaner (when asked), patient, and smells great

    Liabilities: messy, doesn’t always let me get my way (a bit of humor for you), slams all the doors and cabinets, still laughs EVERY time he passes gas (I mean really is it that funny?), likes to be late so he can “make an entrance”

  9. LOL @ the hair thing… that definitely irks my man as well. It bothers me, too, because I hate having hair all over the place, but since it’s my own hair it’s not as gross.

    In my relationship, my man brings in the assets of money, he’s a more detailed cleaner than I am (he’ll clean UNDER things that I wouldn’t dream of lifting!), and he’s good at motivating me to not be lazy. In regards to the liabilities, he sucks at planning anything so I have to take on ALL of the planning, and he is really not great at making decisions without thinking about them for 15 years first.

  10. I think we need a follow up by Wife Ninja with her list!

    Assets: Wife – Pleasant on the eyes, great mom to our 3 children, meals, lunches, housework, part time income, errands runner.

    Liabilities: Starbucks coffee, $80 haircuts, shoes! there everywhere!

  11. This blog and posts were an excellent way to start the day after the long weekend. Hilarious! I’m definitely going to have to ease up on the nagging as my husband is also physically unable to pick up clothes, tools, dirty dishes and other assorted “gushlunz”. He’s also unable to close anything resembling a door or drawer. However, he’s renovated our entire house inside and out all on his own in one year while working full time saving us a ton of money. He’s a fabulous cook and when he does clean he also lifts things up that I thought were purposely made heavy to not have to clean under. We make almost the same salary but he brings in a little extra from gigging on weekends (part time musician, too). He kills all the spiders without me asking him and always opens doors and pulls out chairs for me. He makes me laugh every day, too. I know I shed alot but not as much as our cat, so there!

  12. Ha! You don’t have to wait to get married for your significant other to be a liability. Case in point, my boyfriend:

    – Asset: really great hugs and backrubs, occasionally takes me out for a really nice dinner or at least brings home pizza, loves my cats, doesn’t mind the fact that I work a ton, also doesn’t mind staying in most of the time instead of going out and spending a lot of money to entertain ourselves, does helpful things like running to the store to buy paper towels or toilet paper when I’m out, and etc.

    – Liability: lives almost an hour away (long-distance relationship = spending $$$), brought me one of my cats(pets = spending even more $$$), eats a ton of my groceries when he’s here, would probably never forgive me if I cancelled my cable to save money because we watch a lot of TV shows together, has expensive hobbies like golf that he’d like me to pick up too … I could probably go on, but I should note that I really don’t mind cooking for him. He loves food, and I love to cook!

  13. Love it! I’m single but have lived with male roommates for the past 3+ years.

    LIABILITIES: They NEVER close any drawers/doors & it makes zero sense to me…glad I’m not alone! Also, they eat my food/drink my wine without asking and are generally just gross (burping, never clean, smelly, etc) and lazy.

    ASSETS: They always own grills which I love to use, there is no drama, they make sure I’m safe, they are super funny, they lift heavy things and they teach me about sports 😀

  14. When I was in a relationship…

    Asset: perfectly marinated steaks was a definite asset. Of course, those steaks made me put on a couple pounds, but it was well-worth it at the time. Also he took care of all the maintenance on my car. Loved that I didn’t have to deal with getting oil changes or tire rotations. He insisted on doing all of that for fear that I would get ripped off.

    Liability: Toilet paper! The amount of toilet paper that man went through was outrageous! I never understood it. We’d go through a bulk package as if 12 people lived in the house. Now that I’m single, I quite enjoy not having to purchase toilet paper every single month like I did as a couple. And for some reason, he was the guy that would leave cabinets open after he got a cup or plate or seasoning out of the cupboard. Irked. My. Nerves.

  15. This is hilarious! Being a newlywed, I can totally relate. My husband is livin’ it up with the meals I cook, but cannot stand the hair/bobby pin situation. He literally thinks I take the bobby pins out of the box and throw them all over the house 🙂

    Dual income is a huge asset. As well as shared housework (sort of). Also someone to talk to at the end of the day (that you know has your back and will be honest at the same time) is huge.

  16. LOL LOL!! The “Hair/Bobby pins” liability has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read!! Although I’ve never left a bobby pin in the fridge I can totally relate 😀 even if it’s just a joke it’s a funny idea to sell them back to her.. I used to buy packs and packs of them cause I could never find a darn bobby pin when I needed one… LOVE your blog!! 🙂

  17. The worst is when the hair ends up in your toothbrush, and you dont realize until its already in your mouth!!!!!!! Instant vomit!

  18. I have been following your blog for a while and I love it, whitty but serious at the same time. Perfect mix. Everytime.

    This was a good entry, pointing out good/bad things in relationships. Good to know that I’m/he’s not the only one doing stuff like looking at our SO and hopefully expecting a cup of tea! =] Keep it up, def!

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