Well I spent almost my entire weekend on the couch yelling at my TV. I love me some Olympics and I love me some USA. In fact, I’m only getting to writing this blog post now (11:45pm) because I just finished watching the US girls gymnastics team compete. I seriously love the Olympics so much that I will watch any sport that has a US athlete in it, even if I have no idea what is going on….yeah I’m talking to you fencers.
Anywhoozle, While I was watching the Olympics my phone chirped at me and I noticed I got a blog comment from a known PDITF hater. Said reader wrote (amongst other things):
“I don’t think you want kids at all. I don’t think you want to get divorced, either. But honestly, if you don’t want kids 100%, you need to let her go and find a man who does. It’s not fair to her.”
“Have you ever considered I DO want children. Just not right now. Exactly the same way I feel (and write) about a buying a house. It’s possible to want things in the future. I don’t expect you to believe me, but there is not much I can do about that.”
Then I get this epic email response:
“Babies are foreign objects to me.”
“I have never changed a diaper.”
“It’s in my best interest to get her to hold off.”
“Babies make me nervous.”
“I have no idea how much work caring for a child is.”
Yeah. That sounds like someone who can’t wait to have kids to me. Not that I care. I’m only approaching this as someone who …okay fine, kind of finds this amusing, and as someone who made the decision not to have children when I’d barely reached adulthood. It’s just funny how your wife is so ready to have kids and you so don’t want them. Because see, someone who wanted kids would get married and have kids. You’re trying to avoid having kids. Simply put, you don’t want them.
Comparing something like a house, that you can sell or walk away from, to a person who may well outlive you and who will demand all of your resources for potentially decades…is ridiculous.
I will share a little insight. I have changed diapers. It’s not pleasant. I kind of envy you, to be honest. I’ve never had kids, but from having siblings I can say: they will quickly deplete your money, they will keep you awake at night, they will cause you a lot of stress and unhappiness, and they are messy and will smear their peanut-butter-covered hands all over your new coffee table. They will get juice stains and crumbs in your new car. You will become an exhausted, burnt-out zombie whose friends will say “Wow, he used to be so much fun. What happened?” You may even grow to resent your children. You may begin taking it out on them. They in turn will resent you. And you’ll probably have to deal with that for the rest of your life.
I don’t even really like you, so I don’t know why I’m giving you the benefit of this information. Having kids is not something to be taken lightly. It’s not “just what people do” after getting married. It is not something to go into half-heartedly, and it’s not something to bribe your wife away from with vacations and presents. It’s something you should want completely. In other words, you should be aching for children as you read what I am telling you. The absence of children should be a horrible hole in your life. You don’t want children with all of yourself. Therefore, I would tell you not to have children. There are already too many people in the world. Your sure-to-be-resented spawn’s existence is not only unnecessary but foolish. You don’t want kids. I know this. You know this.
Please stop fooling yourself. If your wife decides to divorce you, it will be much easier to get over that than to get over having kids. I know you’re Christian and blah blah divorce is a horrible thing, your parents didn’t divorce so therefore nobody does…but guess what. Sometimes, that’s life. Things don’t always go how you want them to.
Realize that you don’t want children, and you will feel better, I promise. Grow up, be a man, and tell your wife, so she can decide if she wants to stay with you or whether it will end your marriage. Just do what’s right, for once.
Epic email right? That’s why I love blogging so much…. It keeps my life interesting. Oh, and Girl Ninja, in case you weren’t already aware…. I’m not ready for kids yet 🙂
p.s. I am going to be out-of-town all next week. If you have a blog (or don’t have a blog) and want to write a post to be published on this site while I’m gone shoot me an email and let’s make it happen.
WOW…. just wow! I agree – very entertaining! You can’t find that stuff on the TV 😉
My husband and I are DINKs, and that’s the way it’s staying. I’ll be 45 in 3 days, so if kids haven’t been on the radar yet, they never will be. Having kids was never in the grand scheme of how I envisioned my life playing out… I saw myself as a married homeowner, working full-time… and that’s exactly what I am… and very happy about it. Having kids isn’t for everyone; I know this first-hand. Hubby and I love kids; they love us, but we just don’t want to have them and raise them. Before we even started really dating, we talked about kids… neither of us wanted to have them … and we knew we were lucky to be on the same page about such a big subject.
You’ll have them when the time is right for you and GN; it’s a big decision, and no one else’s input matters.
It was tough peeling myself off the couch to come into work today… loving me some Olympics as well … only 1 bronze medal for Canada right now, but that’s OK, I’m still loving it!
Just think, Ninja. If your parents hadn’t wanted you, who would have written your blog?
Love the Olympics too. Fencing and skeet shooting?! SIgn me up! That email was definitely a treat to read. I’m in the same situation…kids someday, not today and we catch a lot of flack for it. It is amazing the business people think they have the right to stick their noses in.
Sounds to me like someone has too much time on their hands. They claim they don’t like you, yet they take the time to read your posts, comment, AND send an email. I LOVE me some Ninja and I don’t put that much effort into it. I think instead of projecting what Ninja does and doesn’t want, this Troll should look at themselves and realize they are in love with Ninja….
Wow! That guy really cares!
My fiancée and I have a large immediate family and as such we have 13 nieces and nephews between the ages of 10 months and 7 years. Everything he says about how much work the kids are and what kind of person you might turn into is true…I’ve seen it first hand with a lot of my family members, who are good, lovely people – but not immune to the stress and difficulty of child rearing. For this reason, my fiancée and I are ambivalent about children. Sure we love them – we’re even god parents, but the commitment to having children is a huge one and we’re just not ready yet. It’s something we want one day perhaps, but right now? No way. We’re happy being DINKs, and it sounds like you are too.
“For this reason, my fiancée and I are ambivalent about children. Sure we love them – we’re even god parents, but the commitment to having children is a huge one and we’re just not ready yet. It’s something we want one day perhaps, but right now? No way. We’re happy being DINKs, and it sounds like you are too.” – This right here is EXACTLY how I feel.
And that dude is way to invested in Ninja’s life. So weird.
Weird, and kinda creepy — like giant-lobotomized-baby-from-the-london-opening-ceremonies creepy.
On a more serious note, I’ve never married, and never had kids. (The one does not inevitably follow from the other.) Based on how my father treated me, I early on decided I could never be a good parent. That of course has never dissuaded millions of others.
Who needs reality TV when you have a blog? That email is bizzarre!
Hate to say it, because it’s written in such an intense manner, but the hater has a point.
You may be exaggerating your own attitude and Girl Ninja’s for the sake of an entertaining blog, but if she is really “I’m ready now” and you are “not now”, it is a problem (although not necessarily a fatal flaw). Ovaries come with an expiration date- she’s been biologically an ‘adult’ since she was 12 or so, most likely, even if you feel you are “just into adulthood” based on our society.
Plenty of people work it out from the place you and your wife are starting from (one partner ‘ready’ the other ‘NOT YET’), and it’s your life, but your attitude on the blog does seem… a touch self-centered.
That said, you should definitely wait three and a half more years. That way, your kid will be born in a summer Olympic year, and should it be a girl, she’ll be eligible when she’s 16. That way she’ll have two shots at gymnastics. You gotta plan this stuff!
No doubt the hater would have a point if I really didn’t want kids. But truth is I absolutely want to be a father and raise a flock of little ninjas. Just as I want to buy a house one day. That said I only get to be a newlywed, young, renter, traveler once so we are taking advantage of our first few years of marriage kid free. Girl ninja is only 25. Her ovaries should have lots of life left in them.
Well, that’s somewhat reassuring! I just wanted to point out there are sound biological reasons why from a woman’s perspective, starting a family at 30 is quite different than starting it at 25 They are not the same, fertility-wise. Plus, if you really wanna leave the door open to a ‘flock’, she’s the one who has to think about the toll it’ll take on her body to have babies in rapid succession (growing babies leeches calcium from the bones). All in all, I guess I just think the impact of ‘when to have kids’ impacts women tremendously, and men significantly but not quite as much.
My basic advice: don’t compromise so much that you’d have kids before you can be excited and happy about it, but that may not the exact same as “completely ready”.
I’m on the same boat as you house and kids are currently pending (we’re both 27 by the way). I think late 2013- early 2014 will be the year of big decisions for us.
It’s just a huge, huge step. A mortgage and chil’rens are life changing decisions!
I know you guys are a smart couple and don’t just jump the gun on things.
The only thing that I was kind of iffy about is I noticed on a past blog you said GN wants 4 kids (because she comes from a family or 4 and her sister has 4) and holy moly that is a lot of kids! I think that blog entry mentioned you guys didn’t come to a agreed number. Haha, sounds funny typing this like it’s a negotiation.
That number is a little tricky and although she’s 25 if you guys are planning on that then you should start sooner rather then later, so I’d understand why GN has baby fever more than you do.
Me and the fiance are still at a disagreement in number as well. I really just want 1, we’ll be like a tripod! But he wants 3. I always joke around and say I don’t want one of my kids to have “middle child syndrome” (he happens to be the middle child).
Hater gon’ hate!
To be honest I have thought the same thing the writer of the email wrote after reading what you’ve said about having kids. the only reason its crossed my mind is because my husband’s first wife said similar things and 3 years into their marriage it turned out she didn’t want kids although originally she thought she did.
But with reading something you can’t know the tone behind it and your readers don’t really know you so for any of them o say they know you don’t want kids is ridiculous
Definitely, don’t have children unless you are ready! Children are not a dolars and cents decision and it takes so much more than money to bring up children well.
I love that you’re taking your time having fun and getting grounded with each other. Kids are permanent, and not something to be rushed into. Kids are the best and worst things that can ever happen because you love them so much more intensely than yourself, yet have so little control over who they ultimately become. You are 100% responsible for someone who from day one has a free will other than your own. Knowing that maybe the best you can do won’t be good enough is absolutely terrifying.
That said, parents are either heroic or stupid for taking on such a task, and I commend myself, being one of them. I find it both rewarding and nauseating all in the same day. Ultimately, the ability to look at my awesome grandmother and see the joy I bring her, realizing that I am here because she decided to create something outside of herself, enduring love and loss, for richer or poorer, through success and failure, makes me want to do the same, and do it well!
As somone who had a baby at 20 and then one at 28, then 31, I say wait till you are ready and don’t apologize for it! I will be honest, I didn’t want kids. I had many friends and family members with babies and I found them cute to hold for a few minutes but that was it. I never offered to baby sit even for $. Even after having my 1st still wasn’t sure what all the hoopla was about. They are loud and messy and cost a lot of money and don’t sleep much and require a lot of attention. I don’t get people who say they want kids so they have someone who loves them…..HELLO!!! Newborns do not show you love when they are that little. They are demanding (but adorable)! After having my 2nd at 28 there was a huge change in my attitude and it’s all because I was totally and utterly prepared for motherhood. I LOVED everything about having a baby even labor/delivery. YOU know when YOU are ready and no one else. I know people who wanted kids so badly, had them at any cost (i.e. sleeping around with any guy) and now hate their lives. I also know people who didn’t want kids and later in life (late 30s-40s) had kids or adopted and are so in love with thier kids.
I had my first at 20, unintentionally, and second at 26, intentionally, both with the same husband. I agree… a world of difference. I enjoy this second one A LOT more.
Great input! Here is my two cents on the other side, as a daughter.
My mom was 20 when she had me. She was not ready for me. And even though she loves me, she wasn’t as motherly as she could have been. She was very strict and honestly, did not show a lot of love until I left for college. Why do I say that? Read Next.
My mom had my brother when she was 27. She was more tender with him, more appreciative, more patient.
Guess when I left for college, she had a realization that she was “losing” her daughter and her attitude started to change.
Everybody has their point. If you are not ready to start a family, do not rush into it. However, you also need to bear in mind that “ovaries have expiration date”, as Becca puts it.
Only need 1 guess as to who wrote that email.
Notwithstanding her bat shit craziness. I think your “problem” (and it really isn’t even a problem) is that most of your commenters seem to be women who couldn’t possibly understand where you are coming from.
I was in your exact position a few years back, where I just wanted to wait. I have a 19 month old boy now and holy jebus do I love the kid! My priorities have completely changed all for the better.
I don’t think being a woman means that I can’t possibly understand where Ninja is coming from. I am almost 30, I’ve been married for 8 years, and I’m still not totally ready to have kids. But I have always wanted kids and you can trust me that my biological clock is ticking. I am just far too practical and logical to jump into the kid thing without having all my ducks in a row.
I think there are just as many men as women who can’t wait to start a family just as there are plenty of women who choose to wait until they are prepared mentally/physically/financially to have kids.
Why do people have this idea that women cannot have kids after 30??? There are celebrities having kids at forty! My mother in law had her kids starting at 38. And that was 22 years ago.
Ninja this is you and Girl Ninja’s choice! Don’t listen to anyone.
Be careful about waiting too long, we got married late (35) and so far we’ve had no luck having kids. We’ve spent $30,000+ on IVF without success. A woman’s fertility drops off rapidly at age 37, but even younger women can have issues. In our case the problem was Mr. Sam but now that we are both pushing 40 its morphed into both of us having issues.
Celebs are having babies at older ages but they are investing big bucks and tons of time and energy (that most mortals do not have) in order to get pregnant. Don’t look to celebs as examples b/c they have resources that most do not have.
I don’t know what we are going to do next, but you can bet it will be expensive.
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